Amnesia

Are you there ? Can you hear me ? Wake up. Open your eyes. Look around. Look very closely. You know this place. You have been here several times before. You know those people around you. You can recognise those voices bouncing of your ears. This world is not unknown to you. You’ve been here forever. Now look again. Are you sure you know this place ? Are you sure you know it well enough ? Are you really sure you know the person sitting next to you ? Can you recreate this environment, that you know so well, in your memory with your eyes closed such that it is identical to a fault ?

I woke up to the alarm of a bright yellow sun glaring at me through an open window against the backdrop of a cheerful little summer morning sky. It took some time adjusting my eyes to the light in the room. I swear, opening your eyes after you’ve woken up mentally is much tougher in comparison to waking up suddenly to a bad dream or to the feeling of endless fall.It took me more than a minute to properly open my eyes to the room.

The room was what one would conventionally call silent. But one could readily discern that the room was at the cusp of a bustling routine, separated only by the glass-paned wooden door that looked like a mountain to move. There were twelve beds out of which eight were occupied. I was on the last bed in the farthest row. I adjusted my pillows to sit upright with the support of the headboard as I sat up straight. As the change in orientation woke me up further, I slowly regained a link to my senses. I felt the air of the room which was hotter than what I expected it to be. Rest of my inmates were sleeping. Funny thing I should call them inmates, even though none of them were held against their will by the hospital. Or well, maybe a bit against their will given that the one stopping them from leaving was a part of them, an ailment inside them.

I saw the nurse walking towards me as soon as she saw me sit up. I could tell it had been a long shift for her from the tired look in her eyes.

Excellent Sherlock !

“Who said that ?”, I muttered. I had seen this in the movies way too many times to have shouted out in excitement, making me look like a crazy schizo to the people around. I was a logical guy. If I couldn’t see the guy around me, nobody else could. Much better alternative to just keep it at a low tone.

Finish your conversation with the nurse first. We’ll talk after that.

The voice seemed logical since the nurse had reached his bed.

“How are you feeling today ?”, she asked me with a forced but very convincing smile. “Do you require anything ?”

I shook my head with a smile in response to give the poor soul some rest. Even though I was feeling thristy with a desert for a throat, I did not have the heart to ask her for some water. All the jugs would be refilled anytime soon anyways. He could always wait.

Although I had to ask, “When could I leave ?”

She replied with the courtesy of an air-hostess, “The doctor wants to do a routine checkup before you leave just to make sure you’re OK for discharge. You can probably leave in an hour.”

I watched her drag herself to her desk as I racked my brains to recollect what had happened. It had been routine work at the job, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing that could trigger a pressure alarm. And just like that, out of the blue, I had collapsed right there in my boss’s office. I would probably have to have a conversation with my boss after I go back to office. I need to get back to the office as quickly as possible. I had left quite a bit of work to be done by me.

Seriously ? That is your point of concern at this time ?

“Who is this ? Where are you ? Should I mutter or is it unnecessary ?” I asked with confidence, not to be spooked out by what could only be either mutants ready to take over my mind or even worse: a voice in my head talking to me.

You may be really good at whatever high-end job you have at that corporate factory but you are really sucky at seeing what requires urgent attention. Fine. If it would keep your mind off that, I am what you think I am. No, not the first one. The second one. I am the voice. Now focus. What’s important right now ?

Jeez, I thought. I got a really sour and sarcastic voice-in-my-head. I started getting ready as I waited for the doctor to come and relieve me of my imprisonment at the last bed on the farthest row. While I got ready, the voice pestered me with the same question again and again. Not that I don’t enjoy an incessant bickering in my head, but I was trying to avoid a debate inside my head between my and a voice right after I had what seemed like a stress breakdown. I left the hospital as soon as the doctor gave me a green flag. I had to go to my flat before I went to office.

I reached my flat and found it in the exact same position as I had left it yesterday, or as it was day before yesterday or as it was a year ago. Among the things which had not moved while I was gone, was my flatmate. He was sleeping just like I had left him. I woke him up even though I was supposed to do that six hours earlier. This breakdown, or whatever it was, seemed to have messed up the tiny little schedule I had. As I got ready for work, the incessant voice got bolder and stronger. I was not one to back down in the provoking game and kept silent in the one-sided questioning. I called my mother calming her down since she had the impression that I had suffered a mild heart attack. I had to almost force the errands out of her. I began adding things to my to-do list whhich seemed to be longer than usual today.

The voice was now creating a pounding in my head. It was getting impossible to ignore it without having a brain aneurysm.

“Fine ! What do you want ?”, I thought with all the force I could.

I want you to answer your question. I want you to find out who I am. I am here for a reason. A reason you know to be true but seem to have forgotten. And I can’t tell you until you know it yourself.

“But how would I know who you are ? You are a side-effect of the medication they gave me for the dehydration or whatever it was. For all purposes, you should have had gone away in a few hours”, I said. This was making no sense.

And yet I am here. Does that not make you concerned ? Do you understand that my presence without the medications implies a mental condition ? I am trying to solve that condition. Talk to me and make me go away.

“OK. I’ll bite. You want me to find out who you are ? Hmm.. Are you someone I know ?” I asked, playing along for the sake of moving along with the day. I sat down on the couch as I had a conversation with who knows what.

I have to be. My voice is familiar. It feels like I have known you all my life.

“Good. What else ? Umm.. Wait.. You said you couldn’t tell me anything unless I knew it. But then that must mean..”

Ofcourse. Yes. I am you. Well, not exactly you. Maybe your image in a reflection. Maybe part of your shadow. Glad we had that cleared out. Now, that you know who I am, I could maybe explain to you the reason of my existence.

What you experienced yesterday was a combination a mental breakdown, dehydration and nutrient deficiency. Yes, you know it to be true. You saw the reports even if you chose to ignore them. You maybe able to ignore them, but I can’t. You don’t realise the terrible way you are treating the life inside your body. I am shocked the doctor let you off so easily. Now the doctor may say you had this or maybe that. But frankly, in my opinion, you had the worst case of amnesia. Do you want to know how ?

I sat their on the couch with my hands over my eyes trying to decide whether to actually take seriously what this voice was trying to explain.

Are you there ? Can you hear me ? Wake up. Open your eyes. Listen to me very closely. Look around. Look very closely. You know this place. You have been here several times before. You know the people around you. You can recognise their voices bouncing off your ears. This world is not unknown to you. You’ve been here forever. Now look again. Are you sure you know this place ? Are you sure you know it well enough ? Are you really sure you know the person sitting next to you ? Can you recreate this environment, that you know so well, in your memory with your eyes closed such that it is identical to a fault ? You probably can. You know exactly what to do for others. You know the when your flatmate wants to get up and you know that your mother is too old to run errands and that you are the only one to do them. You know that your colleague in the office is going through a tough time and so you take on his work without hesitation. You know that the nurse in the hospital has had a long shift and so you would not even dare to ask for a glass of water. You know all these people. You probably know every person in the world. You know the problems all of these people face. Now get up and face a mirror.

I slowly get up and move towards the glass cabinet, in which was visible the partial reflection of a very aged, tired and fatigue-stricken 28 year old man.

You do not know this person. In trying to please every other person in your little world, you have forgotten who this guy was. If I am right, you wouldn’t even be able to tell what this guy in the reflection would even like to do in his free time. You wouldn’t know the likes and dislikes of this guy. You wouldn’t know what this guy prefers to listen or what he enjoys eating because you believe that any thought about this guy would turn out to be selfish or plain worthless. You have forgotten yourself in the pursuit of keeping everyone else happy. Do you understand what I am trying to explain ? This guy is lost until you make time to find him again. This attack was a reminder. A reminder of the person you are forgetting about. You are a nice guy. Hope you understand what has happened to you.

And just like that, everything was silent. A tear pooled at the corner of my eye as I looked at the reflection. I cry not because I have achieved an enlightenment of some form about me. I cry for I cannot decide whether I am right or I am ?